I have had a lifetime of what seem to me to be horrendously embarrassing moments. Thoughts of which pop into my mind to undermine me and to keep me grounded, just in case I ever get a little full of myself! On top of that, on reflection I am questioning the values that I have grown up with, including my sense of humour, with the consideration that these things may need to change.
So to begin with, I have given a bit of thought to those things that we often define as innate to the person we are; sexual preferences, the things we find humorous, or choice of food, hobbies, etc. What defines those, surely we are not born with a preference for blondes or brunettes, guys or gals that dress smartly or sporty, that we laugh when someone has an accident, or when someone makes a high brow observation, the homemade foodstuff that our mother made, or that just featured prominently in our childhoods. These things are conditioned, they are subjective thoughts about something that may have been useful in days past, but no longer promote the best decisions for current or future circumstances.
As a boy growing into a ‘man’, I have been conditioned to have a particular sense of humour and to view the world in a particular way. I have seen that males often put each other down, it is internalised as a friendly gesture, and passed off as only a joke. However, does it have to be that way, and is this truly the better way. As I have aged, and spent more time with women, I can see that this is often not the banter that they partake in. I appreciate that this is a massive generalisation, but I feel that there are enough samples to make this comparison. I am not saying that I also buy into the female version of communication and humour as being idyllic, but there is certainly something to be said about the interaction that can feel more wholesome, although I confess to having seen this go too far the other direction and appearing sycophantic.
So it is in that I am engaging, and have been engaging in for a while. I suspect that this is impacting my relationships with people as I transition and try and work out who I would like to be (or at least who I do not want to be), and who knows if I will ever settle on a particular type of person. I do think that I have spent a lot of time not questioning my ‘truths’ about life. Those things have made me think about the world in a particular way, and what makes me think that way, when often people can have different opinions about those same things? I could just say that I know best and leave it at that, and never question my reality, but where is the honesty in that? I am nothing more than a product of a conditioned past, but where does that lead me in that same future, governed by the choices defined by my upbringing? I do not want to know, as I see around me and my social class, what I consider to be, negative and destructive patterns of existence.
I wonder, who do you want to be, and do your lifestyle patterns thrust you towards becoming that ideal?