One of the longest and most significant battles I have is that of feeling that I am not enough. I cannot say exactly where this comes from, but I see that certain characteristics of this are present in other family members, so it is possible that I may have picked up some of it from my childhood. However, this post is not about necessarily identifying the original source, as I am not sure that I can benefit from that! It is more about just an observation and trying to improve on what I can.
It is true that when I look at anything about myself I will gloss over the accomplishments and achievements, instead digging into and wallowing in the parts that I feel that I have failed or performed to an unsatisfactory standard. This may also sometimes show itself in the way that I look back on my life and cringe at some of the embarrassing parts, and believe me I have done some things that I really feel embarrassed about (I would like to say sorry to my family for what they have been put through, and thank them for still talking to me). Again, not really a focal point of this blog, so I move on.
I find that now, when I run, work, rest, study, etc. I question if I am doing it right, if I could do it better, and how I can do this! I am not sure if this will lead me to a world of stress related disease, and discomfort, but if it does, I will still probably accuse myself of contracting whatever malady based on the fact that I could have dealt with the stress of life in a better way!
I look at others in a sense of despair when they seem to require the approval of others, and depending on your standpoint you may agree or disagree with that sentiment. However, I am perhaps in a worse situation as I do not really crave the approval of others, but the approval of myself, and I have become quite the task master in the recent years! So is there a solution, and is this even a problem? Now there is an interesting question, at least to me! What are the upsides of being a demanding bitch to myself? Well it pushes me to try and get better at the things I do. It makes me want to try a range of new things, although I may quickly determine that I will not do a thing again! It makes me curious about life in my hopes of understanding more. There is the obvious flip-side however, and a range of negatives abound! The drag on self-esteem, leaving me feeling that I am just a bit of a failure in many areas of life. The comparing myself to others that are wildly incredible in the area of expertise I am looking at understanding. The potentially unnecessary stress driving me to endlessly improve or engage in activities which are novel and therefore unlikely to actually have any chance of excelling, thereby reinforcing my sense of feeling inadequate, and continuing the cycle of stress.
Given these two simplistic sides of the argument, what is the wisest path forward? I guess this comes down to what I want to achieve! I think that I want to work on not feeling bad about being me, but still push to learn more about myself, the world and my place in it. I just hope that these two things are not mutually exclusive. Well time to get back to the learning, the sun is shining outside, so I’ll probably listen to an educational book or podcast whilst I get some exercise. I love doubling up on my objectives!! 🙂